Parenting Questions

"Disobedience is not an issue if obedience is not the goal." Daron Quinlan

Parenting in early childhood

I was shocked speechless the other day, when someone, I thought I knew very well, said, "Oh, they'll have to get him in line or he'll be out of control." They were talking about a 15 month old!
"get him in line", what line and how would they get him there? I had so many questions and emotions I knew it was not the right time to ask:
'How did we move so far apart on parenting?'
'Had I chosen to ignore this major rift in our parenting styles?' It was a moment in time that turned my life upside down and has now sent me questioning everything I know. I did not know where this authoritarian approach had come from and that it would upset me so much.

I guess one of my life mottos (unspoken) is Might Is Not Right and much of what I do, especially around children, stems from that. I suppose, I also presumed that someone who admires unique personalities and their contribution to culture would not demand conformity and compliance to parental rules.

If this was affecting my working situation so much, what would happen to my newly married daughters when they decide to have children?

When we first step into a relationship with someone we love and plan to have children with, how do we know what their thoughts and feelings will be about parenting? How do we know how our or their experience will shape the kind of parent they will be? Where is the set of questions we can ask them so we know where we stand? I don't know of any, do you? What questions should we ask?
More here about parenting styles.


Art For Little Hands said...

Such interesting questions that are all very very hard to answer. I feel my husband and I have completely different parenting skills. He is also not around a lot so most of the parenting falls on me. When my kids act inappropriate to him like wiggling too much in church or throwing a fit in a store or restaurant and my husband is near I feel like I have failed as a parent. My kids are hard. They are very determined to have their way and they are determined to do things the way they want. I feel this is possibly a reflection of my parenting because I give lots and lots of freedom. When my husband is around I feel he doesn't give much freedom and confuses the kids when he yells at them for doing things I could care less about them doing (like getting wet in the pond, or eating food without asking when they feel hungry.) Tonight as my kids acted up about going to bed and my husband was frustrated because he hasn't been home all week and wanted to spend some time with me I got depressed because I feel like his upset demeanor is at me for how I am raising them. The problem is, we all don't know how we will raise them until we have them. I thought I would be a far more strict parent than I am. I just have learned to let lots of things slide and not fight battles I am sure to lose.

I used to judge other parents when I had my first because she was an angel. Since having my son who is extremely difficult I have learned that we can never judge a persons parenting skills so quickly. Some kids are harder than others and some kids are so easy. I saw a girl the other day at the park and her dad was on his cell phone. She sat patiently by his side for him to finish and him to tell her she could go play. My kids don't even ask. If we are at a playground, they are off and running and I have to do my best to keep up. Kids are born how they are born and some are very calm and easy. I got the opposite in my three.

Don't be too hard on your hubby. If he is working more than you and not doing most of the parenting he has no idea how hard it really was and his comment was more a reflection of ignorance not anything else.

@GNN said...

Thanks for your great response. I know I should not judge others it will only make them back away and we all have our own styles. Maybe i had the wrong colour glasses on that day. I too give freedom and only "fight" the big things.


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